Just some crazy thoughts on motherhood

I dont know what my deal is. First and foremost, I hope all of my friends people reading this know just how excited I am about becoming a mother. I feel so extremely blessed to have the opportunity that I know so many women would kill to have. I guess I just feel sort of unsettled? I don't think that is the right word,... maybe indecisive is the better way to describe my feelings. No, actually.. I finally admitted it to myself today.. I feel extremely overwhelmed.

Today I went looking for fabrics to make my baby bedding. I have searched high and low for something that is perfect.. the problem is.. i dont even know what that looks like. There are SO many options,... and I swear I have searched every website on the planet looking for the bedding I have made up in my mind. What does it look like, you ask?... I have no idea. I can't explain it. I can't tell you the colors I want. I can't tell you want patterns I am looking for.. All i can tell you is what I DON'T WANT.  I am seriously losing it people. I know I sound crazy. Today, the more I looked, the more confused I became and the more frustrated I felt. There are just TOO many options.

Before I was pregnant I LOVED shopping for baby clothes. I looked forward to baby shower invites just so I could have the excuse to go spend hours shopping for the perfect little baby outfit for my friends. I could ALWAYS find stuff I loved, and most of the time I had the hardest time deciding which of the 10 outfits I should buy. I found so much joy in buying those precious little gifts and so looked forward to the day when I had the excuse to buy all those things for my babies. Now, I just feel overwhelmed when I walk into Carter's or Gymboree. I see so many things that I love, but ALWAYS end up leaving empty handed. why? I don't freakin know. I literally have made like 2 purchases for baby girl (besides deciding on a crib, and stroller).. One outfit, a pair of Nike's, and a set of headbands. I go home and tell Ammon about all the cute things I saw.. and when he asks why I didn't buy it.. I never know what to say. I always thought I was just indecisive or wasn't in the 'mood' to shop. And up until today I guess I just didn't realize the real answer.

For some reason in my crazy head I feel so insanely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that every decision I make regarding the babe is somehow going to shape the way the baby's life will be. like.. the bedding and look of her nursery is going to affect the way she feels, thinks, and develops. Like the clothes she wears are going to shape her into a dancer, a little doll, or an athlete. ... And guess what?! I don't even care what she decides to take interest in, what sports she plays (or doesn't), what her choice of style looks like.. I really dont care!   I know it sounds crazy.. and i am sitting here typing this thinking.. WOW! You really have lost it. But the truth is, none of those things even freaking matter.. and deep down I know that. All I want for my little girl is that she is happy, feels loved, develops into a good person that has a kind and genuine heart. All I want is for her to know whose she is, and where she came from.

I guess the perfectionist in me is deciding to manifest herself. I have always been sort of a perfectionist, but I can usually find a balance between what is practical and what is just 'too much'. This whole Mommy/pregnancy thing has so many feelings tied to it, that for the first time i am just admitting to myself that I feel completely overwhelmed, excited, anxious, loved, indecisive, blessed, ecstatic, nervous, proud, scared, happy, and unsure, all at the same time. haha!....Poor Ammon.. He is probably wondering where the calm and composed woman he married went. :)

Typing this out already made me feel better. I guess sometimes you just have to admit your faults and move on! Project baby nursery is underway! :)

Just some belly pics my friend McKenna took for me!