Those Crazy Months

**To catch up on this series, read this post first*

So it was the day.. July 4th to be exact. My missionary was finally coming home. I am not going to go into details about this day.. cuz lets be real.. it doesn't matter. I did go to the airport and yes we did hug. hahah! I remember being so nervous because people had told me "that first hug tells a lot.. you will be able to know instantly if it is right or not". I remember in the moment feeling so overwhelmed and so happy. But I also very distinctly remember thinking while he was hugging me for the first time.. "ummm k can we stop now? That's good enough for now.".. I think a lot of that was because I was so embarrassed having everyone and their dogs watching us, cheering, clapping, etc... and I hated having all eyes on me. But I also think this was a good indication of the future.

I will be 100% honest. I was absolutely on cloud 9. The following days and weeks were magical. We talked about getting married the day after he got home (the first official day he was released as a missionary), and knew it was what we both wanted. As time went on, we could not figure out the timing of when exactly we should get married, but we both knew it was going to happen. Then I had this thought.. "you have prayed and prayed about this for two years, and here it is and you haven't even prayed to see if it is right. You haven't even asked for guidance.".... That night I prayed for the first time since he had gotten home about marrying this boy I was crazy about.

My prayer was simple. Probably nothing too deep, but sincere in the fact that I wanted to know if it was right that we got married. Strangely enough the second my prayer was over.. instant pit in my stomach. I brushed it off thinking "no way.. there is no way that this is a 'no'... i just want a confirmation that this is indeed right."... So i kept praying. Every night after that night.. same thing. Things started getting crazy. Every time i was around my boyfriend, random things would bother me. The pit in my stomach would come. I kept avoiding it thinking "There is literally no way that this isnt right"... Whenever he would bring up marriage.. i no longer knew what to say. Instant pit. .. This went on for a few weeks. Of course there were really good times too. That's what made it so difficult.. the feelings of 'not right' were not always consistent.

Thoughts of Ammon started creeping into my mind. All. The. Time. It was annoyinggggg. I would be cuddling with my boyfriend thinking "i wish his chest was more comfortable like Ammon's" (ISN'T THAT SO BAD?!) I would see pictures of Ammon on FB with other girls and it would piss me off. Like bug me soo bad. Around this same time I was so irritated with praying that i decided to fast. I fasted for 3 Sundays straight.. and felt like I had gotten no answer. I was so frustrated. The 3rd Sunday I was at my wits end. I knew that I had received my answer that I should NOT marry my boyfriend, but instead needed to break up with him. WHAT THE CRAP. I was so sick to my stomach. I was scared. I had no plan. I was in love with him.. WHY WHY WHY was this not right? I literally had no answers. No reason not to marry him. (that i could see?) Our relationship was a good one, he made me happy, of course we had our issues, but doesn't everyone?

I was pissed. So i went home from church. Marched to my room. Collapsed on the floor, and started praying. I poured my heard out to my Savior. Instead of asking him if I should or shouldn't, I told him. I told him everything I wanted in my life. What qualities I wanted in my husband, the family I wanted to have, the career and future I wanted for myself. I remember finishing with "let me know who this person is that will help give me these things. And if I haven't met them, please help me to know when i finally do." As soon as I pulled myself together enough to head back upstairs.. I had a simple thought "That's Ammon". And in that moment I knew for myself that it was true. And the next day I broke up with my boyfriend. For no reason other than I just didn't feel good about things. I was confused.

I hadnt talked to ammon in months. He was in St George living the single life and reaping the benefits of being a freaking all star on the baseball team. :) One day, I got a random text from him.. which sparked conversation. He asked how things were ... actually I think his phrasing was "so when are you getting married?" haha. I told him we had broken up. The convo was short but it was good.

Things over the next few months are a blur. I had classes with my ex boyfriend at the U, we occasionally carpooled to school together, and it was hard to stay away from each other. We still talked a lot, we hung out together frequently, but we were no longer together. Confusing. It was really hard making that official CUT. Ammon and I talked a lot too. But he was dating like crazy down at Dixie. Everyday (i kid you not) I would get a text around 5:30 that said "hey going on date tonight.. gotta go. have a good night"... or something along those lines.It was a little annoying because I though he for sure had to have a girlfriend that he was not telling me about. He assured me he was just dating a lot.

During these months I went through a lot of crap. And I put a lot of people through crap. I was exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually. My family was sick of hearing about everything, all my girlfriends lived far away and were not accessible all the time, and the friends I did have at home, were torn because most of them were also very close with my ex. So it was complicated. I felt more alone than ever. I kept getting random text messages from blocked numbers saying mean things, add on twitter accounts sending me relationship guidance via tweet, and even weird emails saying how dumb i was for breaking up with my ex.. life was just hard.

I did see ammon a few times that fall, and finally in late November I told him that I wanted to date him. No more back and forth. He was the one I wanted and I had made up my mind. He came up for Thanksgiving, and i was thinking we were good to go. Things were going to be awesome. Our first night together he told me he had decided to date someone else... that he had tried so many times with me and it just seemed a little pointless. He finally had found a girl that he was interested in and felt like he needed to pursue that relationship. SUCK. So that was cool.......... he had a new gf and i was back at square one.

After that experience, I sort of thought "maybe that is all I needed. Maybe I just needed to make up my mind, go one direction, and let the Lord correct the path if it wasn't right. which he obviously did, so i guess it just wasnt right" Sooo my ex and I sort of started trying to figure things out again. Things were awesome. I felt happy, he was happy, and we were both working on things.

Then about a week before Christmas.. we got in a huge fight. I had found a few things out that I had been lied to about, and he was not happy about the whole Ammon deal. (which we could never get past)  I remember I was driving down to Orem to meet up with some old soccer friends for dinner. He called...We were on the phone together just having it out.. my blood was boiling.. I was so MAD. How had I trusted someone so much.. just to have been lied to about the dumbest things! He was so MAD, I was so MAD, and we were full on yelling at each other over the phone. I was bawling.. which is a major side effect of me being utterly pissed (it just happens.. i swear i cant control it. haha). Anyway i ended up going to dinner, having a great conversation with my gf's and then headed home for the Hansen Family Annual Dessert night.

He came, and things were awkward. We tried to be normal, but i was still so mad. The next day he was texting me about the whole deal asking if I was "Okay?" and i lost it. Basically I was like.. I need my space.. dont talk to me anymore. Don't talk to me ever again. I had finally had my "that's the last straw" type of moment and i was just done. So sick of all the drama. sick of the confusion. sick of doing things I knew deep down were never going to work.

Then something miraculous happened.. The next day or so later.. i got a text from Ammon saying that he had broken up with his girlfriend and he really needed to talk to me and wanted to get together.

Soooo we did. Right before Christmas we met up, talked and things were really good! Like all the bad stuff we had been through didn't matter anymore and we were just on the same page. It was weird, and yet not weird at all. That's how things always were with Ammon. I saw Ammon everyday after that. He was again moving back down to Dixie after New Years, and after only spending about 10 days together... I had developed a sweet little surprise of my own.

1 comment

  1. So I remember that meet up in Orem, I had no idea you were going through such a rough time! I am so glad it all worked out though, and congrats on coaching high school that would be so fun!


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