To 1410000004

[let me first preface this by saying.. i am not writing this for a sob story/pity party.. i simply just want to set the record straight for ONE person.. person 1410000004]

I have been thinking. And mostly i am frustrated because i want to talk to this person. But there is really no way to know who sent it. Sooo with that being said, i am reaching out. My friends know about my blog and whether or not 141000004 reads this or not.. i am attempting. I am apologizing and also stating my feelings. Take it or leave it.

Dear 1410000004,

Let me start by saying that i am slightly confused why you would send me a ten page text from some stupid app so i wouldn't know who you were. There are very few people that know the details of my life as of late, and seeming that you are most likely one of them, we should be good enough friends for you to voice your concerns to me face to face. Not over some stupid text. I have no idea who you are and quite frankly i am kind of glad.. but i do feel the need to address some of the things you said in that hurtful text.

"you are going to screw up your whole relationship because you are just being dumb and selfish"...Ok i might be acting 'dumb' but it is not your place to say whether or not i am screwing up my relationship. And selfish? i think i have the right to be selfish when it comes time to deciding who i marry. Correct me if i am wrong, but it is my future we are talking about here.. not yours.

"can't even stand talking to you anymore because you are being so selfish and it is always about you--try thinking about others instead of what Haley wants all the time"....I am sorry if i have disregarded problems in your life. Truly i am. And i hope we can talk at some point cuz clearly i have been checked out. But in this situation, with my dating life, i do think it is ok to be a little selfish with my decision of marriage. I have to live that life. Hypothetically if i were ever in a relationship to make everyone else happy.. probably not a good thing right?

"Ben has been so sick and all we hear about it you and your drama. Ben has always been there for you and now you aren't even being a friend for him when he is so sick. Instead you are making it worse i'm sure (his sickness)."....You wanna judge me for not being there for Ben when he has been sick? How about all the nights we have cancelled plans to sit at home because he is too sick to get up? or how about the days i went straight up to his house from school because he was home alone sick?.. i am making it worse?... his illness is from Mozambique, and he is on meds to correct it. So please dont assume that i am making him sick. I know this time has not been easy for anyone involved, but realize that he is not the only one hurting. And more importantly please don't tell me that i haven't been there for him while he has been sick. you have NO idea what has been going on with his health apparently.

"you are just scared to get married now that he is home"..... hahahahahah kind of hysterical if you ask me! i am not scared to get married. I would actually love to be married right now. There i said it and admitted it to all my blog readers. And if it were to Ben i would be happy! But i am NOT going to marry the wrong person. So.. give me a break please and let me figure out what my heavenly father's plan for me is. Cuz sorry, but i am not going to take your 'word for it'.

"you know you have received your answers so many times.. and everyone can see it BUT you." .... Well i am glad you think you have the right to analyze my spiritual experiences. Maybe i should just trust you to pray about my dating life and then i'll just do what you say. yeah that sounds like a fantastic idea. Seriously? Do you really think you have the right to tell me how i have felt when i have gone to the temple, read my scrips, or prayed to my heavenly father? Sure i will admit i have for sure had experiences in the past (while ben was gone) that i thought meant i was going to end up marrying ben. But Guess what? I wasnt asking then if i was going to marry ben. I simply asked if i should wait for him to get home. Those are two completely different questions.  And i know it is easy to mix up the two.. trust me i know. In the moment, it was easy to think i was going to marry ben. Looking back it all makes sense. But i also know the promptings i have had lately, and i am doing what i feel is best right now.

"Your confusion is your answer.. that you shouldn't be second guessing things. that is why you are not calm about it."... Well there is where you are wrong. I am finally at peace with myself. yeah it sucks, but i know that i need this time. I know that i will be guided. Whatever is supposed to happen, will. Sure i am confused about the WHY but not about the what. I know what i did was what i needed. And i know that my Heavenly Father loves me and will let me know when the time is right. When and who will be answered someday. Now is just not the time and i was finally getting to the point where i felt ok about that answer. Then you had to send me this lovely text. so thank you.

Now i just want to say 1410000004 i am sorry. i am sorry that i have complained, or 'burdened' you with my burdens. But it is only because i trusted you and thought you cared. Obviously i am mistaken. And i am truly sorry that i have made you feel like i do not care about your life. That is not ever the case. I care about you. And i really hope you will call me soon. You dont even have to bring up this text. In fact, dont. because seriously i am hurt and dont want to talk about it anymore. But i do want to talk about you.   Can we all just pretend this never happened?

Lastly, i want to say i am sorry to dear Benjamin. The Haley of the last month has not been a pretty one. And i am so sorry. You know i love you and think the world of you. You are my paly pal. :) and thank you for being sooo extremely patient with me. You are a true gem ya know that? muah! xoxoxo

And to my bloggers.. i am sorry if you just wasted your time reading that. but i already feel sooo much better. You have officially seen the worst of Haley Hansen, and quite frankly it is something i am ok with. I dont have a perfect life. And I am not perfect. But i am learning. Eventually things will be dandy, and for now, we weather the storm right?

Also thanks to all of you who have reached out to me in the past few days. You are all sooo great and i hope you know it really has made a difference in my days. I love you all. It's true! I have been sooo blessed that i have no reason to complain. Because i DO have amazing people surrounding me.. and that is all of you! Thank you thank you thank youuuu. Tank you (that one is for benjamin, brooke, and carson specifically) love you all and good night!! sweet dreams :)